The Size Of A Heart
by KeepSaying
Summary: All she did hear was the voice of a child wanting to be stronger and her own voice, promising to protect him. And when she didn't, she swore to avenge him. Sequel to I'm Gonna Be Pirate King.


**A/N:** I've been wanting to write a sequel to 'I'm Gonna Be Pirate King' (one of my favorite angst- shots so far) ever since I wrote it and now I finally did. Hope you enjoy the angst with this one. x

* * *

 _„Hey, I've been looking for you", Remi called her brother gently. He was sitting on the cot in the small room they were sharing while they were staying in Japan. He didn't look up when she walked in and didn't show any other sign that he had heard her either._

 _"Are you okay?", she asked gingerly, dropping down to the floor in front of him so he could see her face. He barely acknowledged her when she put a hand on his knee. "It's okay to be scared. Today wasn't easy."_

 _For the first time he moved and shook his head forcefully. She could see tiny teardrops hang from his lashes even though he tried so hard not to cry._

 _They had finished the mission Shepherd had sent them on in Japan but it had been gruesome, even for her. She didn't want to know how much of his innocence had been destroyed today or how much he had left after the tragedy their life had been this far._

 _"Watashi wa tsuyoku naritainode, watashi wa mina o mamoru koto ga dekimasu."_ (I want to be stronger so I can protect everyone) _It was barely more than a whisper and she wasn't sure how he even managed to speak the foreign language right now. Of course Shepherd had ordered them to learn Japanese while they were here and had instructed them to practice it with each other as well._

 _"I'm going to protect you", she replied sincerely, waiting for him to meet her eyes to find the truth in them._

 _Again he shook his head. "I need to protect you, too. But I'm too small. Too weak."_

 _"No, Roman", she countered softly, "Pawa wa anata no saizude wa naku, anata no kokoro to yume no oki-sa ne yotte kimarimasu."_ (Power isn't determined by your size but the size of your heart and dreams)

 _He needed a minute to fully translate what she had said and she used that to add something else. "I need you to dream big. I need your sweet heart to guide me and I'm going to protect you, okay? I'm always going to protect you."_

* * *

"You don't want to do this."

Shepherd's voice was little more than background noise at this point. The mighty leader, who had once dictated her whole life and had told her what to do, was cowering in the dirt at her feet. Jane kept the gun trained on her, her hand steady. She knew it was because of Shepherd that she had this much control over the weapon and her body in a moment she wasn't even thinking straight.

How fitting that the killing machine she had made her out to be, ended up killing the woman herself. If she wasn't this cold inside, she might've smiled at the irony. Maybe Remi would've smiled before she pulled the trigger but Jane couldn't. Then again, Remi had never lost her brother. That changed a person.

"There's nothing I'd rather do", she replied coolly. Her voice was as cold as her heart and just as lifeless. She knew she was still breathing but she was far from being alive.

"Roman wouldn't want that."

It was the wrong thing to say and even Shepherd realized that as soon as the words had left her mouth because it was the one name that got through to her.

Her mind flashed back to the woods where she had held his lifeless body in her arms, covered in his still warm blood. She felt the desperation over the loss as clearly as she had then, but unlike then she now let it nurture her anger for the people responsible.

"Don't you dare take his name into your filthy mouth", Jane spit out, taking a step towards her. The hand holding the gun was still steady but her other hand hung by her side, clenching into a fist and drilling her fingernails into her palm. She felt the warm blood that spilled over but she felt too detached from her own body to care.

"You killed him", she said more controlled, "You might not have pulled the trigger but you killed him. You killed my brother!" She ended up yelling again, her body shaking with the sobs she tried to stifle. "And I'm going to avenge his death."

Shepherd's face turned into a humorless grimace when she pulled the corners of her mouth up. "You are just as responsible for his death."

"I know", she whispered as she pulled the trigger.

The sound of the gunshot rang in her ears as if the bullet was still ricocheting in her skull, bouncing of the bone. Maybe she would hear the sound for the rest of her life, echoing through her head, reminding her of all that she had taken and all that she lost.

She could still feel the cold metal of the gun in her hand. Her arms hung to her side, shaking, as she looked at her doing.

Shepherd's body was splayed out in a weird angle, she realized, as if it was telling her without words that it was dead because no live person could lie like that. Shepherd's eyes were still looking at her, condemning her even post mortem.

Jane didn't feel the impact when she dropped to her knees. She wouldn't even have realized she had fallen hadn't the gun scraped over the floor. Of course she was more aware of her gun than of her own body, she thought, her body had never counted unless it could work as a weapon and a gun was always a weapon. It wasn't weak and cowardly like her.

A gun had no feelings, had no soul, no heart, no conscience.

Shepherd had tried to make her just as effective but her heart had always been her biggest failure. She cared, she loved and she wanted to do the right thing. And what had it gotten her? Her brother's death.

She barely realized she was shaking from the sobs that took over her body, all she could feel was her weak heart racked with pain.

Shepherd's words came to her mind, ringing through her head like the sound of the gunshot. Together they made the most devastating melody she had ever heard.

"Stop!", she screamed, covering her hears with her hands – the gun hitting her temple. "Make it stop."

Her body acted of its own accord when it dropped forward but not even the pain of her forehead hitting the ground could drown out the ever present orchestra of agony in her ears.

"Please make it stop", she cried out in anguish, her hands smashing into the concrete floor over and over again. If she had opened her eyes she would have seen the blood smears she left in the dirt and the shadows that changed all of the sudden. But she kept them closed, too full of self- hatred to hear the three pair of boots that were running towards her or the calling of her name.

 _You are just as responsible for his death._

Shepherd's sneer had grown louder, drowning out even her own screams.

"I know!", she yelled hitting the ground with her bare fist once more and she was about to strike out again when she felt her arms being pulled backwards.

Suddenly she was able to move again, trying to kick out from under the strong arms that were holding onto her.

 _'Fight!'_ Her body seemed to be screaming at her and she obliged. It was, after all, the only thing she had ever been good at. She kicked out with her feet, making up for her unusable hands until she felt the other person pull back and she could scramble away from them.

She was crouched on the floor, her fists raised in front of her face and looked up to find the intruders staring back at her. She knew them. Knew the blue eyes that were staring back at her, so much closer than she had anticipated.

She knew the other two as well but her mind focused on the one in front of her, the one who had held her back. His face was contorted and she knew it was because she had kicked him in the stomach but she couldn't bring herself to care.

She saw his blue eyes but her mind replaced them with the green lifeless ones of her brother. She saw him crinkle his forehead in effort and she saw his lips moving but she couldn't hear him. All she did hear was the voice of a child wanting to be stronger and her own voice, promising to protect him.

"I broke my promise", she whispered, trying to keep her fists from sinking, trying to let them stay in fighting stance.

The man in front of her took a step forward and suddenly her instincts took over again and she launched herself at him. He was a possible threat and her body worked on its own as it kicked out and hit the man.

He didn't fight back, she noticed. He simply took each blow in, blocked some and tried to talk to her and keep her from hurting herself. Somehow that made her even angrier and her attacks more ruthless. She wanted to hurt! She deserved the pain!

"Jane!"

For the first time since he had shown up, she could hear his voice and it cut through her like a knife. She knew the voice, knew the tone, knew the man.

"Kurt?", she whispered and as his name left her lips, the fight drained from her body and all that was left was the pain. She felt her body go limp and already anticipated the impact but all of the sudden his arms were around her once more, shielding her from the world and she let herself collapse into his embrace.

"He's dead", she cried in his should softly, feeling his hand move up and down her back as she started sobbing.

"Roman is dead."

The realization hit her anew and the last rest of control she had had over her body, evaporated when her thoughts went back and forth between the boy and the corpse. Her brother who had always wanted to protect her, who she should've protected. He was dead.

He would never come back and would never hold her again. He would never smile at her again and would never mess up her hair again. He would never call her out on her mistakes again and he would never comfort her again.

As she clung to Weller for dear life, she kept crying and he kept holding her. Her tears soaked his jacket and her nails sank into his skin, leaving marks. Still, he never let go, never even loosened his grip and his arms were the only thing keeping her together.

"Shh", she heard his low rumble in her ear, "I've got you."

And for the first time since she had held her dead brother's body, she felt safe again.


End file.
